Fell Off The Wagon...

. . . that I never really got on!  I got through the Insanity Fit Test and Cardio & Plyometrics workout.  And that's all.  And here I am almost three weeks later.  Changing your eating and lifestyle habits is tough.  It is not so much that I'm surprised; but I really am surprised!  I guess after eating whatever I wanted and excercising - or not - for 33 years has more than caught up to me.  I have always wondered how hard it could possibly be to quit smoking.  I have never really understood how one gets addicted to smoking.  Well I'm going to hazard a guess that it is about the same as someone getting addicted to crap food, sugar, and caffeine.  Yeah.  I think I'm beginning to understand now.

There is always a reason not to start making changes today.  I'm tired.  The kids need me.  I have errands to run.  I have to go to work.  And so on and so on and so on.  I want to see immediate results and I know that I'm not going to.  At least not if I do it in a healthy way.  Sure I could shock my body by doing some fad diet or pills and lose a quick 10lbs.  But something tells me I'd still feel like crap and I would put it all back on as soon as I ate the first bad thing . . . and couldn't stop.

Really, this wasn't supposed to turn into a blog about changing my lifestyle.  I could talk about my husband, kids, job, house, family, etc but I don't think I'm there just yet.  As I have previously mentioned, I am well aware that you are never truly anonymous on the internet.  And not that I think anyone is going to be crazy enough to want to know too much about lil 'ol me, I'm going to tread lightly.  Well that and the fact that I'd love to unleash some of the stuff that I think or want to say.  But with my luck, those who I'd like to be on the receiving end would find this blog and then I'd really be in shit.  So online journal this is for now.

Oh yeah.  I also swear too much.  And my kid drops the f-bomb on occasion.  You're welcome innocent ears.

Insanity

Just completed the fit test for Shaun T's Insanity Workout.  I feel like I want to die (no, not really but close).  Wow!!  I mean I knew I was out of shape but come on.

I hope my 5-month old has figured out how to crawl overnight because I have a feeling that picking him up is going to hurt tomorrow.  I think blinking my eyes is going to hurt tomorrow.  And that was only the fit test.  I'm screwed.  I'm excited to see what 60 days can do.

The First Step Is The Hardest

I watched a documentary called "Forks Over Knives" while at work this weekend.  The basic premise is that eating a whole food plant based diet is good for you while consuming animal products (meat, dairy, and eggs) have been linked to increased incidents of certain cancers and other diseases.  The studies they talked about were very interesting.  However, given that my job is within the healthcare/scientific field, I understand that I could probably find studies that say the exact opposite of what those reviewed in the documentary showed.

One of my biggest issues is that I feel like I'm always tired.  When pregnant, I'm anemic so I'm wondering if I'm anemic all the time?  I also rely on caffeine as my job is 14-hour shifts overnight every Friday and Saturday.  Combine that with having two small children (currently 5 months and 25 months) and a husband that has to be out of town/state more often than not, it's probably somewhat understandable that I'm tired.  The caffeine is also helpful for when I've stayed up too late - as I'm doing right now - and the kids get up at 7'ish.  You'd think I'd learn my lesson.  So those things and my self-diagnosed addiction to sugar.  Yes, I can admit that I'm a sugaraholic.  I LOVE the stuff.  Sometimes I feel like I NEED the stuff.  I feel great when I eat something sweet (like a couple pieces of a chocolate cake that I made tonight - ugh) but then the fullness, sugar letdown, sluggish feeling returns and I again wonder why I did it.

This documentary has given me a renewed vigor to get up off my ass and make a change.  Some of the people profiled in it sang the praises of just having more energy.  What I wouldn't give to have more energy!!  Now I'm not saying I'm going all vegetarian or anything like that.  I could take or leave meat for the most part but I do love a good steak, piece of chicken/fish, or sushi here and there.  But if eating more whole foods and fruits and veggies and less processed and refined foods will get me some energy, I'm all for it.  I NEED it.  My employer has a program that encourages healthy lifestyles and I participate every year.  And every year all my numbers look great.  My blood pressure is perfect, all the bloodwork is great, my weight is probably actually a little bit low.  But not this year.  This year I got a wake-up call.  And actually it was only one number that really got me but...it really got me.

The first step in becoming healthier will be the hardest but I need to feel better and I need to set an excellent example for my children.  It's like I'm trying to plan some big fanfare, really enjoy my last meal of crap, wait for the perfect day to make changes, etc.  In reality, I need to just do it.  And if (when) I stumble and eat more chocolate cake, I get back up and keep taking those steps.

A Glimpse

Compulsively obsessive.  Obsessively compulsive.  OCD.  Call it what you will.  I think more of us have tendencies that are compulsive or obsessive and either don't know it or don't want to admit it.  Or maybe that's just what I think to make myself feel normal.  Average.  Like others.  Then again, when I tell my friends some of my little quirks, they're both amazed and amused since they don't necessarily see anything going on.  For example:

• I take an even number of bites for food.  For example, if I have a plate of chicken fingers and fries (see what I mean about needing to change my diet??), I have to take an even number of bites for each individual piece of chicken and/or fry.  Two.  Four.  Whatever it takes to feel centered.  That being said, I don't sit there and count the number of bites I take at each and every meal for each and everything.  It seems to just be a necessary evil when it's a smaller portioned food item - does that even make sense?  Oh well, it does to me.

• Our home has carpet, tile, and hardwood.  Between the master bedroom and the kitchen is the living room.  The bedroom has carpet.  The living room has hardwood.  The kitchen/dinette has tile.  When walking from bedroom to kitchen, I have to take an even number of steps on the hardwood, again to feel centered.  It doesn't matter if I start out on the right or the left foot; I just have to leave the hardwood on the opposite foot that I initially stepped on it with.

• The living room has 4 windows along one wall.  My guess is they're about 2 feet in width.  While taking my even steps from point A to point B, I can only take two steps within each space of the window sill.  Otherwise, I feel off-balance.  And one of the windows has an outlet below it.  I can't step in the space that contains the outlet.  Fun times.

• If I'm out walking in the neighbourhood with the kids (or anywhere with sidewalks), I can step on a crack.  However, the opposite foot has to step on a crack before leaving the sidewalk or else I will not feel centered.  I suppose this one may be slightly more noticeable if I need to shorten or lengthen a stride if the walk is coming to an end.  I don't know.  I've never asked anyone.

This talk of being centered is something I'm not even sure I can describe.  I would be interested to know if others with OCD "issues" know and understand what I'm talking about.  It's almost like it's an itch that has to be scratched or it's just going to become more and more annoying.  Or something like that.

As for actually being diagnosed with OCD, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it was at least partially self-diagnosed.  I spoke with my family practitioner one day and told her some of the stuff listed above (and other stuff that I may list in a later post).  She said "OCD".  I said "okay".  I often wonder if it's a learned behaviour or something that is just ingrained.  My mom was a very clean, tidy, and neat person.  She still is.  My parents' place is always immaculate.  Like eat-off-the-floor immaculate.  Everything-in-its-proper-place immaculate.  I'm jealous to say the least.  I strive to have my place in order and clean.  Now, with a toddler and baby, I've had to let go of the floors.  So long as they *appear* clean, I'm okay.  However, stuff has its place and will be put there, come hell or high water.  Now if only my husband would understand that his wife wouldn't seem so psychotic and put stuff back where he found it, we'd all be a little happier!  Again, another post for another day.  

Anyways, on to my point.  I would say some of my OCD behaviours are learned from my mom.  Yet I wouldn't classify her as OCD in least.  Weird.  Now my oldest son.  He's a typical 2 year old boy.  He can make a mess in the blink of an eye - and does.  But he's always lining things up.  And they have to be just so or he gets frustrated.  Socks.  Books.  His trucks.  I have pictures - maybe I'll post them one day.  And he clearly pays no mind to any mess he's made unless it's drink related.  Let me explain.  He uses Nuby and Munchkin straw cups.  You know, the 100% spill-proof cups that were clearly NEVER tested on toddlers.  Our carpet and sheets and furniture are now victims to daily spills of his drinks coming out of the top of the straw, even if the drink is just sitting there upright and not being touched.  Yeah, gravity doesn't always work as I watch the liquid come up the straw and drip, drop by drop onto whatever surface.  Well, he'll now say "make a mess" if it's on the floor, go to the drawer in the kitchen that has his washcloths for cleaning him up after a meal, say "clean up", and come wipe it up off the floor.  While it warms my heart some, I wonder if this is just how he's hard-wired or if it's learned behaviour.  Sorry, buddy.

Alright.  There's a glimpse into why I titled this blog the way I did.

And So It Begins

So, it may seem cliche to start a blog - everyone has one or knows someone who does.  I myself follow many blogs, mostly of people I don't even know.  One blog links to the next and before I know it, I'm doing a daily check-in on these people's lives (or lies depending on which blog it is).  And that right there is sometimes the draw.  Some of these blogs are like car crashes - you just can't look away.  I'm not referring to the horribly tragic, real-life medical blogs of people suffering but the ones of people who have designed their own destiny based on lies and untruths and it's all coming to a head.  Those seem to attract the most traffic and I am guilty of contributing to that.

All that being said, I've never been one to keep a journal.  I admittedly spend more time on the internet than I would probably like and so it only seems natural to get on here and maybe just let out some of the stuff I can't say in real life.  Hence the title relating to OCD.  I have so many thoughts and thought processes that I'm afraid people simply won't understand but that I have to wrangle on a daily basis.  Maybe if I can get them down in black and white (or whatever colour font I choose) I won't feel like what I'm thinking is really all that off base.  Or maybe I'll look back and think I'm cuckoo!  In that case, hopefully no one I know in real life is going to stumble on this blog.

And that's just it; for all I know, no one but myself is ever going to read this.  I'm not starting this to create some sort of mass following that many others do.  I've seen the hate sites that go hand-in-hand with even the most innocent and purist of blogs.  I want nothing to do with that - I'm too sensitive for that kind of thing.  Now if people read here and can relate and want to share that, I'm open.  If it's just an online journal for me, so be it.  I think too it'll be a good way to document my children growing up and their achievements and milestones.  Of course with the firstborn, everything was written down on the day he did it.  With number two, I'm lucky if I remember which month milestones were reached.  However, I do still take an exorbitant number of photos of both of them!  Maybe I'll post some one day.  Maybe I won't.  There's some crazy and creepy people out there on the interwebs.

I think I'm also hoping that this blog will keep me accountable as I embark on the journey to becoming healthy.  I can't even honestly say healthier.  I'm one of the lucky ones who's NEVER had to worry about what I ate or how much of it.  Just naturally thin I guess with a great metabolism.  Well, two kids later and I'm not so lucky anymore.  And even beyond that, I don't want to teach my children the horrible habits with regards to food that I have.  So today is also day one of making some changes.  Probably slowly but surely but that's better than nothing.

For instance, no caffeine today.  Yup, my head hurts and I was really tired (and probably a shit parent at times because of it).  I did my best to eat a little better but temptation finally got the best of me just about an hour ago.  Chocolate milk (wait, does cocoa have caffeine?), perogies with ranch dressing, and a couple (okay a few) spoonfuls of chocolate icing.  Do you see what I mean?  Nothing healthy there but that's been typical for years upon years upon years.  Old habits are going to die hard.  But I want to do this.  I need to do this.  I need to set a great example for my kids and quite frankly, I need to be here for my kids as long as I can.  I'm tired much of the time and although I'll prod through a day, is that really what I should be doing?  Of course it isn't - they deserve so much better!  They may get out, they may play, they do get read to and cuddled but I need to be less snappy/moody/irritable.  For goodness sake - I'm battling with a two year old!  Yeah, because any adult has EVER won those battles.

Hmm, somehow this went from OCD to other things.  I guess I'll get into the OCD issues later.  We'll see how this blogging thing goes.  Already it's feeling kinda therapeutic.